Time was. Time was a fine thing. Time was much simpler once. Understanding is a necessity too late because he had grows from the circumstances. A situation allows a degree of understanding. Time was. Time was a fine thing. Understanding grows from the circumstances. If it is there before events it is knowledge and far less specific. Last time I hid beneath the table. This time I went and got a cup of coffee. Then another cup, and finlly I faced it and smiled. How negative and unhelpful do you have to be to lose them. It hardly seems fair. It would be better to say out loud goodbye. Other pictures, other places. Items that flow in and out. Words can sometimes release ideas from their original context. Original words can sometimes be a release from context.
However you look at it it is strange however you look at it. Almost bizarre to be standing inn a glorified cafeteria taking money. It really needs no explanation. Pictures and words make each other independently. Such odd people. Perhaps in other places they are quite simple, but here they are odd. Three of those in a basket will fill a basket with flowers. Beautiful. It was such a complicated thing to say so simply. It would have helped if you had sounded as though you had meant it. People know you don't mean it but are too polite to know you don't mean it. As long as I don't feel it would you please lie to me about everything. I want to know as little as possible about the state of the state. Lie to me like processed blackcurrants. Lie to me like pain. I don't want to know about. I don't want to know about anything. Hide it. Hide it from me. It will all go away. Once there is a problem. Now there is another problem. One life is replaced by another. Nothing that is expected can ever really be true. It just isn't possible.
In the hot space people stand and are certain they will be politely treated. People stand in ignorance of the facts. Choosing to be ignorant. You will go home and remember this place as elegant. The uneven concrete squares. The peeling bems hiding decrepit guttering. The arched ceiling looks vaulted and then looks like sheets of moulded plastic. Even the joints are done badly. A welcome face arrives just in time. Small and smiling after all these years I still do not quite have their measure. There is a generation that I like, but I haven't yet aged to their understanding even if I sometimes feel like I have. A smiling face saw a square rigged sailing ship pass out of the harbour and around the headland. A smiling face continues. Missed by a promise. The daffodils are watching. Daffodils with dead heads stand in regimented decay. Vertical as the bandstand. The dull sound of meaningless conversations apalls even the quiet mind. An untidy straggle of bored pots lie in disarray. Pots lie quietly hoping to be disregarded. If you grow up you do not grow sideways. It is always easy to see. The concrete squares of floor throw elegance to the wind. Arching rooves of bent plastic. All these faces sit in silence. All these coffee cups accompany their indigestion. All this breathing could have been saved. All this space and not a thing worth keeping. In a strange way it bothers me that there aren't any stools in here. In a strange sort of way that bothers me, it is just one of the many changes that can occur and in not being noticed strike home. So many chairs. So many tables. Do you really all need to be occupied. Why do you no longer inhabit your orange booth. What is it has persuaded you to leave? Peopkle came here with money expecting to spend it but knowing they won't. People came here expecting money and knowing they won't get it. But they come here anyway. And people bring their malice here to show it to their friends. It follows in their footsteps. Sharp upon their heels. It stalks over the concrete in clicking resolution. It gazes from the safety of a peer behind a shoulder. Fired by the power of a mind without an owner. The faceless faces snap their shoe sound souls into combat. With a powerful rhythmic tattoo that would be sad if it weren't so pathetic, the chance of a lifetime fades into the foreground. Click click click stacatto stumbles into another people. You who are about to make tea, we salute you from the field of combat. No, silly, combat, you can keep your marsupials if not your marbles.
Look for me. I am what you will find. If that is all you see that is all you will believe and beliefs become firm more quickly every day. So look for me. Look for me laughing, look for me laughing at. Look for me laughing. Once upon a time there was a young story that repeated itself endlessly until it became an old story. That is where it starts as usual. A small group have to include not exclude. A small group has to be totally non-egocentric. A small group has to be nothing. Then it is possible to be enough. Spread yourself so thinly you are nothing and that will be enough. What was it they said? Be sparing with your wisdom if you are free with your words? Was that really it? Look, look, look, your cat has sat on tomorrow's worksheets. I expect in its heart it is a grey cat. So much could be done if there was so much more time. Time. There is just no time. Over the river and down to the sea. Things pass slowly in their fashion. It was five or six days ago that I noticed you looking strangely, and tonight I found out what it was. I can see why both sides have different views, but that is all. It is like being back in junior school. Behaviour here is not what it would be in other places, it is just not the same. There must be a reason for that. I suppose it is all new. We are all nervous. We meet each other as strangers. I suppose it could be that. As always in the early stages the tone is set by the moist vociferous. As time goes by it comes to be set by the most reasonable concensus. And by then it is susceptible to common sense. A good reason can change everything. For now it is just to be allowed time. One day follows another and once the race is on things have to be allowed to progress to completion. There is no going back and correcting the moment before. The next step is the one that makes a move from here and then away again. It may not be true but nothing changes everything. Nothing at all.
Sitting on top of the world. Sitting in the creeping caterpillar light. Waiting. Waiting for an undefined space. There will be tension. It will be there. There will be anger. It will be there. We make the best. We accept. It becomes our choice.
Anger. My anger. Creep now towards me as I do astride your mount. This is here. This is now. Release the catch. Adapt in one moment to the flow. Adapt in this moment to the flow, release. Do not hold so stong. Do not force this into today. Today is not forever. So it happened. It happened that night. I knew it would happen that night. One two three four five six seven eight nine ten. No more than that will be possible. So it happened that night. So it did. That was all. Given the two who will not release with the spoken word. Given two who have nothing but emotion to hold on to. So it is through pain. It is through indecision. So it is slowly it comes to register what is true. So that is how it can be.
They put all the cladding on the wrong way round so it all had to come off again. It was just one of those things. It was one of those days. No doubt at the same time I would have been one of those people. They put all the cladding on the wrong way round so it all had to come off again. People start near to the ground, first with the shoes, the socks to reach the feet until inch by inch they rise up to reach the end,m where they stop. Looking back now there is somebody who needed somebody to hold on to. The past got thrown up and it should have been clear that the past was being thrown up and that was where all the pain came from. So I might have seen it and I didn't. So it might have been visible ad it wasn't. I may get a chance to see a video film I had missed twice before that will carry with it solutions of some sort.
Terrible price those tomatoes aren't they and they're not even English. They have been 90p in the corner shop and they'e English. These are foreign and they're 99p. And I don't like foreign tomatoes. They don't taste of anything. They're all full of bleugh. Yes, foreign ones are all full of pap aren't they. It was a conversation but it couold have been the script for an Oscar Wilde ply. There was nothing that had not been rehearsed. Every gesture. Every intonation. The roles had been defined a long time ago. People had followed the strange word of mouth publicity. They had taken it and swallowed it whole. The publicity that built brand images. Swallowed whole. Tasteless. Full of pap. Bleugh. I suppose. A public relations excercise. A piece of propaganda. A promise founded on an image of trust. I imagine I deal with it in the same way. Prejudice. Me. What does that mean today.
A man sitting on a park bench is looking thoroughly unhappy because he is eating an ice-cream. A varnished wooden park bench with white painted cast iron ends.
Here. Not here. Smile. Not smile. Ice-cream. Not ice-cream. Air. No air. More through the parting. See into impossible spaces. Be seen in impossible ways. I was fighting with being seen in one way or another and that was all it led to. Being seen in one way or another. I think I would do that. Sacrifice the specific for the general. You don't think I would. i have spoken to you for five minutes, if that. You have based our view on your expectation. It is based on you. not on me.
The gossip is going around that I am gay, but very gently and possibly only from one man. And then again there was a rumour that I am married with two children. Well well. Well I never. My mistake a couple of days ago was accepting a view of what was right nd what was not.
Busy people doing nothing.
Have you ever seen a Burmese cat?
It grew slowly until I was roaring with laughter. Standing on the precipice saving yourself in laughter.
There were a group of people who only had two categories for people. Problem or solution. They are fixed at each meeting and there is no escape at those times. Here you go. Here you sit. It was really good to see a job done badly. I expect to do the same. Perhaps the only use is to have been there too. I met a boy who was a man who had met a problem I had met and then I could feel exactly what it was. Perhaps in other places it is not possible. Listening with the wrong ears. Going from one side to the other. Flexibility or lack of conviction. We are all fools. A better description would be hard to find. So there you are. Thank you Clive. I can see me in you. I can see that now. Thank you, though you were never there.
Allow the time of fate to follow. On one side I say to be involved in change. On the other side I say to allow a process to fall through to completion. There is no harm in that. My actions will be the same. I cannot organise to change. That is not now in me. That is what I cannot do. If I was good now I cannot be. That is where it is. That is how I find it. I cannot organise to change. I can deal one by one but no more. One by one. No more. I can be in that place at that time if that is needed. There is no risk except that to me in me. This body comes and goes as it will. If it choses it will come and go. We are one and not just that one. So there was the choice. The choice that was always the same. To follow that path or to fight for change. There was no choice. There was no decision. There is only one way now in me. To follow is to lead. To be there. There can be no conflict. I was holding on to the past and now it has to be released. One by one. Each day follows the one before and precedes the one after. In rhythmic patterns the coffee mornings progress in ever enlarging repetitions of the same forms. As spoon goes in cups so it goes on. One by one, piece by piece. A blackbird singing in the morning light. A mug of clear water. The image of a burning person. A victim without a crime. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting here on the right day at the right time. Waiting in the right place to be validated. One by one, step by step. The blind leading the blind. Always forward. Step by step. Forward. Never far. If I do not see, show it to me. There is no need to apportion blame for blindness. I was holding on to a worm and when I looked down it had become a pencil. The mistake was the holding. Worm or pencil it is all the same if you are holding it.
It strikes me as odd that the very best was before the fall. I remember losing hold and having to sleep and be given time for all the pieces to fall back into place. They had all been loosened by time and pressure and little old ladies. And they were all loose and barely together. And that was when it was best. There were no promises. No help. No hope. Very little self. The self in it is growing now in retrospect. That was all there was. And then the pieces all fell back and they all fell back in the same places. It was certainly what I would have hoped for. I would have hoped for that if there had been the advance knowledge to allow hope. In a strange place at a strange time for another reason there was a need to be real. It is possible tio concentrate in one direction. And when concentrating in one diection there are other things happening. Somebody else made the initial contact. Perhaps without that I would never have been in that place at that time. It is all inside where it has to stay inside until it is all finished. Once it is all finished it can all come onto the outside. The reflections are bowed by the shape of the vessel. If the vessel can reflect at all that is how it can happen only. So it happened that way and unexpectedly led to behind every door. It is not not looking, it is choosing how to see. And then I think perhaps it was good. There was less than ever before of me and myself and more of what was and what was itself. And that was good. And then it all fell apart completely after that. And that was when I noticed how there are for so many people only problems and solutions. They never become the same the same thing for some people. One who was loudly quiet was quietly quiet and I can see further into that now. There is no more in that than I can accept. The time and the space have to be right. They were not. Now they are. I know the line but lost sight of it. I was not assessing. I was judging. That is where the fault lies.