Are we managed. Are we managed by our friends. Who manages who. Alan came round today to get some help with a landscape contract he was working to quote for. It was very interesting because it was paper of the work to do and where it wanted something to do it was easy to see, and where it wanted something not to do it wasn't at all easy. So it was easy to use fertiliser that was easy to do and how much. And where it was not what to do was what not to do it was difficult. Like where it was not to break the contract there it was not easy at all. Perhaps this is words being pretended into being frightening for no seeming reason except for being so.
There was a massacre in Hungerford and a crazed gunman perhaps he was shot sixteen people and I think more died in the end. And they made a television programme to ask what went wrong. What went wrong. Who is to blame. Who is to blame. What went wrong. In hungerford a man decided to kill a lot of people.
I makw wine because I don't drink it at all. That is, even when I have made it I don't drink it. The bottles all stand in rows and the rows are all mostly brown some sort. It is all rather nice so I don't drink it. Now the pink one which is made of rhubarb is good because it is clear and sort of brown now and one of apple that is also brown and not so clear and from elderflowers it is going black from the top and that is how it all is as it all has to be. A week ago I bought some sugared almonds because they are so much to look at nd now I am eating them. Also I eat Mint Imperials of many colours now that has stopped being made because they fade in colour so they stopped.
Alan it is odd in me because I am not sure at al he is. He came round today and really there wasn't much he needed it was all really not much. He came to see me today and here he is not who he is somewhere else. That is all there is. Here he is somebody else. That is odd in me, I think then even I become somebody else in part but I don't think so much. When he is here he is somebody else. He is married to Jan which is strange in me too. With Jan he is somebody that is not the same here. It is odd. In me it is odd. Mostly I dodn't understand why it has to be different in him here and not here and alone and not alone but I am sure it is. There are two people, one here and one not here in one body almost. I thought which one it must be most naturally to be for him and that must be to be not here himself but I think to be here most naturally it is to be here and to be not here most naturally when he is not here. That is how it is and why it is now less interesting to me than it was in him because this wasn't always so it wasn't. Then it was more interesting for being human nature and being interesting but now it is less.
And so now it is less interesting because nothing now will ever happen that is in Alan. Nothing can ever be noticed to have happened that was ever in Alan because it changes what is in him where he is and it all takes more time than that. Years it can take to think a thing as it is inside yourself and for Alan that can never be so but it was once. It was more interesting in me then and now it is less so.
Alan is married to Jan and they were both a lot more together than apart and now slowly they are a lot less together like my parents also now. It is very strange. Soon they will be nothing togethar at all. Alan and Jan too will be soon and that is how the next generation is born out of nothing and has a clean slate and each generation starts again. Now Jane and Charlie are still more together than they are apart even now. And Charlie has a son which is the next generation and the last generation is not nothing at all. So what is to happen next to him. Perhaps by atarting more there is less there is less when it is finished that is in him himself and more that is not which will be a problem for it will be. And perhaps it will take longer to become nothing. And perhaps nothing can happen in him that is nothing. That is the next generation. And so Alan has become less and is becoming nothing and so that is less interesting to me and so now less and less it is being met and quietly more and more things haappen. Perhaps in Hungerford it all became nothing in a man and it was all nothing at all in him. All of it was nothing. It all came around to being complete nothing in him perhaps. Anyway he shot himself near to the end anyway. In a school he shot himself where the next generation had to be. When it ends, that is where it ended with the next generation. It all came artound looking differently but all the same it all came to nothing ending in the next generation. That's all it was. On the television they asked what went wrong. Television makes it all less and less and smaller and smaller and on television it all becomes less interesting until finally in television there will be nothing in people at all. Nothing at all. Nothing at all. Who then. What went wrong. I like the sound of wine making itself and I like it not working. Especially I like the elderflower wine going black at the top and the sound of it.