It's not that I'm more my own person now. I thought it was but it's not that I'm more my own person now. Instead it just looks as though that is how it is. It's that I am less and less able to be anything else. It's a contraction, a hardening. It is growing old. If it looks that I am more my own person I was always that. Now I am less able to be anything else. It is less.
When I had influenza it was christmas and lately it has given me pain in the small of my back. Today it is on one side only pain in the small if my back. It is less. Now if it is contracted there is pain and it is less. I was talking to somebodt and I couldn't understand why it didn't seem to be polite but it didn't. In a conversation isn't it polite to be equally contributing and not just a consumer or just a producer but to be equally except where it isn't possible sometimes and otherwise it isn't polite and perhaps even then. For some reasons it was fixing doors into a new polythene tunnel that made me think of Matthew and I couldn't understand why it should be so. Mostly it felt as if it was because it wasn't. That is to say this is the space where being Matthew was least appropriate and mostly what complimented what it was to be Matthew it was here. If there had been a cold wind blowing it would have been clean. Where the plastic is loose where the door will be it will blow back and forward over the loose earth and on the bottom it was very dirty from that. This was where Matthew was least of all and I understood that. Because here it can be. Flattery that is flattery can be the highest form of contempt it is mostly so. And until now I thought that for Matthew understanding was about understanding and flattery was about flattery and contempt was about contempt. Then it happened that I realised that flattery that is flattery is the highest form of contempt and I have always known it to be in me but today it was in words where it could be seen. So it has been distorted in me that flattery that is flattery is the highest form of contempt so you must understand it in you. And until now I thought that for Matthew understanding was about understanding. In fact understanding is in him about intervening. Understanding in him flattery that is flattery is the highest form of contempt.
Christine telephoned and it was very surprising because that isn't what I think of her as instead I don't think of her really as a person because it isn't as Christine that I think of her. I have met Christine in London and it isn't like it was a person because I was buying three parrots from her and it wasn't like she was a person at all she was just where three parrots came from. Christine telephoned and it was very surprising because that is a person and she was more of a person on the telephone than she was when I met her when I met her she was very much a person and I recognised it but still it isn't what I think of her as but as where I bought three parrots. Christine telephoned and it was very surprising because she wanted to sell me more parrots. She was more of a person but perhaps she was just not expected at all and so not expected to be and so more real.
There is a broken windscreen in Jane's car today and it isn't interesting at all and Jane says it can't get any worse at least that is it can't get any worse and that was more interesting because really it isn't true and everybody knows it. I have known Jane a long time now it is all my life except it wasn't in some pieces and also I only met her three years ago but that is almost all my life except for the rest. And it came around to seeing Jane mostly long ago and that also carries on because it also does. And today there is a windscreen broken but it is only one and it could be three. And there are also two others it could be which would matter. And it cannot get worse, but what that means is it cannot get worse inside even if it gets worse outside. And since it is wednesday, that is to be expected.