Peter has gone so far as to move in with Bob which is good in one way that one set of problems can now fade away perhaps it is also true though perhaps that if it is Peter but makes the problems here then Bob is the last one who needs them now. I am slightly worried that Andrew will have been put to one side who really only wants to help someone. I am rather afraid that it he will have been in part to put one side.
I have been very quiet lately. There have been moments of real quiet lately. This has been a long time ago. And then suddenly instead of holding on to them I got very angry with a bigot on the television and screamed at her. Now I suppose it is simply in her nature to be that is the way she is I suppose. And thinking about it in life I have simply to live as I feel is right to live and this is totally without regard to rules or laws. If in me it is not as it is in the laws it is simply to be without them. To live as it is in me without regard to or fear of legislation and then to accept the results of that life which are probably more satisfaction than comfort. She has shown herself as she is openly and if she is right or wrong she is that thing.
And I had that right in my mind and then I was told by Tony how it was with Peter. He was too much to drink again as he was last week when Peter put into bed. Well later on Tony describes himself as having been seduced by Peter which since Tony is only slightly inventive yet will be mostly how it is probably. And then Peter has gone away and left Tony to deal with how it is. Tony is very much in love with Peter as he is. And now he has the pain of being frightened to say that at all and that it must end. And not wanting to her Peter at all and not sure how to say it. And now Tony is having to look at his own sexuality and how it is and for him it is all now mixed up together with this all and it is sad to see the pain but something will grow out of it and now the process has started so Tony should not be left too much alone to drift in the wrong directions because in the end it could turn to resentment which are wounds that never heal. So if it can't be shown to be positive it must be shown how it is in Peter completely and his insecurity but not too soon because Tony is not yet enough himself morally to know the right place for that information. And Peter has let himself down because Tony was needing support and leaning on people and very drunk and he was seduced and that was a very weak thing for Peter to do. And Tony is very much in love and sees that he had already given his consent for this and accepts that degree of responsibility but still it was week for Peter to do it and even more so not to support the pain later. Tony is misreading Peter's signs because Peter is very good at this and Tony is less than a beginner. But still his honesty may pull something through unexpectedly. Tony has been left to pick up the pieces of a much bigger problem than is his. And my own motives are a bit mixed in all of this. Peter left me angry because I Care for him and feel let down by this which was capitulating to his own insecurity. He said he was a dangerous person to know. And then he covered up the idea with his image of weakness. And I saw it fully because it is in me to be strong like that dangerous. And he was right. With that power it is wrong to be without the morality it lacked. The words are there. The feeling is there but they are not at all together but so close. And I have a feeling that to get together there must first be pulled right apart.
I realise the debt I owe Chris. One day we will pass each other in a bamboo grove. You will be there. I will be there. I expect Peter will be there. I was thinking about Peter and how he didn't see and I remembered Chris. How I must have seemed not to see. How long it is taken to see. How pale. The time passes. Pale in the time. How long it is taken to see the debt I owe him and how I hope I paid him something then. I stand where he stood after nine years. I wish I hadn't address for him I would write and tell him. The last letter was many years ago and it was a blank sheet and now the address is all gone. But I would write and tell him.
Nine years ago I could have been a Buddhist and perhaps that is still how it is in me. And I met Chris and he could have been a trappist monk in a vow of silence. And at the time I could not at all understand that. And now I can. No words. There are no words between people. It cuts to the heart of illusion.
Tony said of Peter that he felt sick the next morning. And that it hurts now. That he thinks he would do it again and that it hurts now. And later I remember that I had a crush on Toni at university for a time. That was most unlike me, and in trying to conform. But still it hurt very deeply. I was so in love and frightened of rejection to say anything and it hurt. So now I see it better. It lasted about a month. And I had no wish to sleep with her. It was just a love. I think I just needed support for a time.
And so Peter to is just being Peter too.
In such a frail species. I suppose if it can't cope with the imaginary problems it will never hope to address the real ones. So I suppose it all ends in destruction. I wonder which pieces will survive. My dandelions? I suppose it depends on the style of destruction. There's nobody here. There's nobody home.