Peter said that when I said it it hurt when I said it. When I said to solve other people's problems you had to be not solving your own. You had to be not carrying your own problems with you. And he said that when I had said that it had hurt him. And there are many things that others have said that have hurt me. And so I am wondering about spiked and barbed comments that innocently hurt. And not innocently hurt.
Is it really that fragile. Yes it is really that fragile.
It makes me laugh really. To see myself acting still defensively. Perhaps in me it is just to not get so close to be inextricably involved. People are now intimidated by me who would once have intimidated me. And I think once they would have enjoyed that and now it is me I wish it were not. All over there are people like that who are intimidated by me. Yet before it was exactly the reverse. If it was a slow process of change I suppose it must have been. I do not really remember it being neutral. And I am still intimidated by people quite completely but now my reaction to that is perhaps to not respond and to not care. So here we all are intimidating people throughout. And now I am still intimidated by everything and I ignore it and other people are intimidated by me. We all slot together in a web of mutual fear. And Tony will be coming in later anyway but for the moment he is not really afraid of it all at the front but he has planted in him the seeds of fear. Now it is me. It is strange. So strange.