Even now as it is so close and so tired. Even now it is rebuilding ties. Every time I turn around there is somebody denying somebody their right. And I am one of them. In a discussion of surrogate mothers and lady telephoned to say it was unnatural and a Christian. I suppose that it is natural to her to think that. It all seemed rather sad and it all touched me gently. I had known before that the ties were rebuilding but it was still sad to see it happen so.
Over as many years as I have known him I have always telephoned Sam not Sam telephoned me. Last night Sam and telephoned me. Now Sam has moved from Birmingham he's on his own again even if he is very busy and surrounded by people and he says he has met more people this year than ever before but he is still finding himself alone again if I am not mistaken. So last night Sam telephoned me and he had been trying several times before.
It is so sad. The surrogate mothers who have to hear people on the telephone say it is not Christian and not natural. How it is like AIDS it will all rebound. Nature will exact revenge. Why are people always so bigoted. It made me scream at the television as it happened. It is true that really you have to sort out yourself and really if that is done it is enough. There is no right to impose upon other people viewpoints. That is what the bigots were doing. Trying to impose. Their solution is acceptable for them. Intolerance of others solutions and interference is not however whether from me or from these people appearing so bigoted. We all think we are right with little justification.
I insist on living in a real world. I refuse to insulate myself with money or double glazing or automatic washing machines or a cleaning lady to do for me. I refuse to insulate myself so I feel all the pain deeply. And it is always so much all at once and so hurting. I insist on living in the real world and that is painful.
Sam has moved away from Nigel and he is alone and so he telephoned me. I can understand that. He is finding out about living alone. I can understand that.
Hero worship is really seeing what you would like to be in another person or how you would like things to work. And close study to absorb it all until finally you become familiar with how it is that it happens. And then you can choose to be the hero or that part of it that is wanted and then there is no need at all. It is watching a space and making a space and allowing it to be.
It would seem to be me to be me. To be there if someone else's problems arise. It is to be a listener and a watcher rather than a talker and a participant. Again I find myself in the centre looking as it circles around. Listening to an emotional white noise generated into the space by nothing. Again it is me here again and again, this is one of the ways I seen new ties being reformed to be cut again later. There are no ancient wise men there are only those who are old enough to be silent. And in the end silence is inside as well as outside and that is finally the day the old men smile again inside and the wheel starts again. There are two sorts of journey. There are the journeys where you go and see new lands with your eyes, and there is the sort of journey we you go and see the same land with new eyes. If I am a traveller at all it is in other ways of mind to see.
So one of the things I have been considering lately is to find a set of words to allow the memory of lately to capture the way of being lately that it has had. And I haven't yet found a sentence that has is quite the way it has been. I suppose in some ways it he's been very much of extremes. There is a small piece of Veronica chamaedrys growing now in the garden with pale grey blue buds as pretty as anything I have ever seen. And then there is a dandelion in full flower with leaves so finely cut the beauty is almost unbelievable and it has been there for at least two years because I can remember seeing it and it was today it first became really beautiful. And then there was a plant of Anemone blanda planted where it had been forgotten and then after that it flowered and there it was. It has been that sort of lately. This afternoon the pigeons have been flying again just for the joy of flying as they do sometimes and that was what they were doing this morning as well. It was not so until recently when they again started flying for the pleasure of it not just for moving places. That is the sort of lately it has been.
It can already be easily seen that the ties to Peter are growing again slowly and so it will look to have been no progress that is at all real in the course of a week that is how it will look to have been even in me. So things that are what they appear are not usually what they appear. It has always this to be a paradox. It has become more and more so the things can be both right and wrong or black and white or left and right they are not either in isolation but that part of them is both. It is so difficult to come to terms with it would be an impossible guest for dinner. But it is so it is.
Nothing you can never say is uncoloured by who you are or also by who is hearing you and how. And sometimes that become so difficult it is only possible to say nothing because the colouring is so strong that what you actually say can never be there at all. And sometimes even not saying anything can be coloured fully and so it is only possible to not be anything. And one day to responsibility for understanding will lie with the one who is hearing and the responsibility for the words will be with the one who is speaking but until then it is sometimes that there is nothing that can be said without it being coloured until it is something else.