I rather like anonymity. It is being rather full lately of the of the and it is nice to always approach fresh. Anonymity removes precognition from other minds and it may seem strange but he reduces preconception in my own. Perhaps it is that I am very impressionable and accept the reduction from other people. It has been very full and when there has been overlap the quality has been much lower than need be. This is because it is so full. Understanding is a very strange thing. If it is partial it is usually pain or elation. As it becomes fuller there is simply nothing. It all becomes as it is and that is all. There has been a great deal of change in today. By now I am seeing more the threads that join to this world and the cutting of them. Earlier I have been pulled this way and that by the strings. In earlier moments I wrote that I should accept my life as neither one thing nor another but a compromise. It will continue as it is. The land of illusion. Nothing will ever be perfect but the pieces can be good. That was working towards it and knowing where it is but not yet reaching it. It is like using words but not understanding them really on the inside. It is like sometimes if I write it is here in words and only a few days later it can settle down to be real inside me. Also I wrote that I am not thinking clearly because I have allowed myself to get angry. That is a luxury I cannot afford if I am to be any use. It is for my benefit. It is only because I do not understand and do not trouble to and that is a luxury I cannot afford. Now I look back and see the same things happening differently. Time does not under any conditions leave things the same. Sunday said it was like cutting myself up into pieces and starting again. Now it is simply that there was no harmony in me for these things because of being tied by strings to events. Before I have said so often that if it is anything at all in you it cannot be helpful at all. It is just again how true that is. If you carry ties and loyalties with you that are not of the problem they will bias you. If you carry in problems of your own that are not resolved they will cause you to look for solutions that ease your problems. Your suggestions will be to help yourself. Under any circumstances that is all that can happen. So there has to be no concern in you for your own problems or they will get into the problem to be solved and the solutions will not really be for the problem that started. So in you it has to be nothing or there can be no real solution at all. It is very difficult for that to be so that it takes all the work and pain of your own solutions. Once that is done there is a chance if it is possible that the solutions can be real solutions and not just placebo by contact. The impressionable cure of sociability to gloss over. And so often real solutions are painful but that is just how solutions are it is the act of cutting the ties it can only be better when it is done.
Things of course go round again and I will no doubt off again from here. The last while has been a way of facing those problems that I carry with me and then slowly it has been possible to remove them from inside right out so that they are gone again. And the world I want a write is clean. Perhaps wipe the slate clean. I was talking to some people who had a dispute that ended up in violence. It is strange to see that even today that people need to reassure themselves in that way. A whole group of people built each other's memories into larger patterns. I was there just before the incident and it would seem that other people's memories are not what I saw there. Perhaps it is me who changed it. Perhaps it is not. It is sad to see people who believe that violence is somehow justified under some circumstances and to see physical victory as a victory rather than failing to not contend.
Other pictures and patterns constantly arise. Then I saw Peter in terms of his work professionally counseling. He has been so much in terms of problems and solutions that is all he sees in situations. Perhaps I mean it is all I have seen recently. Perhaps it is both of us. He is frightened because he sees things only in terms of problem solving. He sees me as strong and he sees things always as of problem solving. Because of that and he sees me as strong he sees himself as the victim of the problem he thinks I am solving. Nobody can force solutions to problems it is only showing paths to enlightenment which is only fully understanding it to be real inside it can be fast or take a long time. So he sees himself automatically as a victim of something undefined. He has too much experience of being a victim to be prepared to accept that. So my concern frightens him because he sees me only as problem solving and not wishing to be controlled as a victim least of all by me. That is reasonable. He still has a lot of positive to build and I could not be a great help there.
When he says he thinks he is only being an entertainer he does not understand why that is not so. He does not see the problem that is solved by being entertaining. He needs a difficult emotional solution. He does not see lighthearted entertainment as restoring the balance of responses of somebody who is mostly dealing with fundamental emotions by having to be dying of AIDS. He sees the emotional pain in that and wants to provide solutions. He does not see the imbalance in that introverted emotional power. He does not see the way entertainment restores the balance of responses. He simply does not see how it can possibly solve the problems. He is making himself a victim of his viewpoint. If it is to be any use to him enlightenment is just to see that it is not all simply problems and solutions. So he becomes a victim of his viewpoint by seeing in only one way the interaction of people. And in that he is very good indeed. In problems and solutions he is very good. And if he saw more he would drift and not be so good but then later he could be a genius and that is what I saw in him first.
I have had to face a lot of things I took out of public school with me and one of them I thought was hate but when I look I think it was closer to complete disregard for other people as people and that has had to be faced to be removed.
When I wrote. If I could show you it all. Still I wouldn't. Leave my path. It is not for you. Here I was still tied to closely. All paths are the same. If I could show you it all I would. It is the failure to be complete I would avoid.