And there is the other way. I always said until somebody had sorted out all their own problems not needed as far as the solution but simply to have faced them and know about them through and through. Until somebody has at least faced honestly their own problems there is no right to approach other people on theirs. If it is not so it is very sad because it starts to be using another person's problems to try to approach your own. Perhaps to hide your own, but always it becomes using other people and exploiting their problems to help with your own. That is self interest to be helped. It has nothing to do with other people and their problems it is a shoddy way to sort out your own or perhaps simply to hide from them by seeming to be immersed in other people. So you have first to look after your own salvation. To face your own problems firstly, and then when you see other people's problems you can be some real use not just a superficial help. That is why it has to be nothing of you in you. You have to be nothing. In other people's problems you have to be nothing.
And that is how it is in most people. It is a job or it is to solve their own problems. There are very few who are nothing in themselves in other people's problems. I am not one of them yet. But in me my problems are being faced and accepted and it is not my job. Now I have no responsibility is to groups except what I have personally not by my job. And perhaps some days it is close to nothing in me. Today was one such day. It is today for cleaning out the birds. And those who shovel shit are close to having time to think all that there is. And that is probably the best thing about Sunday which has to clean out the birds. It can come to be nearly nothing in me at the time and perhaps then. But in me it is only sometimes nearly nothing. Perhaps I should meditate more fully in the time that there is.
Mother Teresa of Calcutta may be one of those people for whom it can come to be nothing of her all the time in the problem.
Andrew has chosen to be inside himself. He also wants to be useful and to help. For me when this was in me it was really wanting to be included. He is a very remarkable person. I think I want to tell Andrew that I think he is a very remarkable person. And that I am sorry for the world that is choosing to look away from him who is so remarkable.
Yesterday when I came away from Andrew and Bob I found myself crying in the car on the way home. This was pain in me but not very certainly by anything just by mixture. And today I have been shit shovelling. So for me there has been time to deal with all of this and to find out what it was. It seems to me that pain is not understanding fully what it is or it lies in not accepting fully what is seen. It has to be one or other of those. And to understand fully is to accept how it has been and there is no way to escape that in full understanding. When it is what it is that is all. There can be no more. Pain is not understanding fully.
And yesterday as well I felt guilty. I felt guilty about the way the world treated these three people who are so strongly people there is no understanding of the virus in them. It is all so much of them being people. Not at all of virus being carried around by shells of people The guilt was of the way the world treated them. These three here. And to begin with the rejected the guilt as not mine. I had not been so. But we all share it. We all help to build the system that allows the treatment. I am part of it and even they are part of it. So we all have to shoulder our part of the blame for that and slowly by facing that we would change the world. Slowly and one at a time.
Then there is Bob. He has been so hurt of late that some of it has to show in bitterness. But so much of him is compassion. He also holds all of his pain on the inside but this is not to bottle it up. This is to hold it out of reach of the world so that nobody else can be hurt by it. This is how Bob holds it. This is his compassion. This is where the quality of his life comes. Deep from the inside his self respect holds his life together.
The real sadness of all of this in Bob is that he is still the same but everybody wants him to be different. Barry hurt him very badly by saying there was nothing wrong with him. By saying that he had been watching too many television programmes. By refusing to validate his problem. By being so small as to not see. By not learning that we're all part of the death. It is not exclusive just because it is not us. Bob has great compassion and he wants everybody to understand how it is and not at all to run any risk. Not to turn away but face it fairly. He wants the wall to learn his lesson so it is not all wastage.
And Peter, Peter has really got so tied up in all of the problems he is losing the beginnings and the ends. The real pain in Peter is his own problems but is able to express it all in other people so there is a lot of good in that and he knows it is so. It is not how it should best be but there is a lot of good in it to all so there it is. And they can all see it. I begin to think that Peter must come out now from where he has trapped himself into being a victim. That is how he must come out of it all. He must I think stand back for enough to be able to help one place at a time.
Bob said yesterday that every night he went to bed he prayed he would not wake up. He thinks he has about a year to live. He has quality in his mind that will be built into his life. If it can be.
There is no pain in it. I can see and accept. There is sadness. Sadness for the world. It is like the rainforest. I can cry for that but it is not pain. It is just that people cannot yet see the whole for themselves. And words. Words cannot help. The answer has to grow inside you. I may see an answer but my words cannot build it for real inside you. It has to grow there itself. That is what it is in me sadness.