Leaving which is to be so fast to be on time. Leaving is always like that. And to hurry. When this was it was nine-o-clock which was hurrying by. And there was what passes for a rush hour locally. A sort of low tempo rush moment. And I was in a hurry and all the other cars were in a hurry so we all came to a halt. And then the stationary empty petrol was filled.
And all the hurrying and all the rest made it earlier than it was expected. And so there was time to sit by the side of the reservoir where the sun lay spread eagled on the water lapping its fingers on the surface. The clods in the fields are balanced by the lapwings. The lapwings take to the air. Seagulls are so tired. Waiting time waiting. The seagulls come down the valley. Each flap barely holding them in the air at the very last moment.
And then the time is ready for me and passing through the place where Dave has built the wall. And the place is still there, and the wall is still there, and all the rain this week has arrived there. So there is a road, a pond, a traffic lights and a drainage crew.
Later there were birds being sexed and I was so busy looking forward that I didn't really see what was there. Only I noticed there was something. Later still I spoke to Roy who spoke about it all and then your name came up again. Once a long time ago I met you and now I see you again. Mary seems to fit you somehow. Of seeing your face and knowing the things that are there. Today the same things were in my mind so I can understand how it is I can admire all the passing years and the beauty of how you are. That I can understand for sure. Of seeing your face and your life. I am sorry that I did not pay attention properly when I saw you sitting there. I was too much looking under my nose at the straightforward things. So I am sorry. Later I spoke to Roy and he pointed you out to me lest I miss you. Understanding how you love and how it is not for your own benefit that you love but entirely for not.
Simply that is how it is for you without any more. Seeing the strength and understanding how when sitting there you can still be so strong. That love is where Simon's strength comes from. Without you Simon would lack the confidence to be strong. Simon has borrowed who you are in his conviction. This is what Simon has above simply a loud voice and a full mind. He has conviction from you. And in your love this gift is your force love to him.
There is futility in your eyes so strongly. The futility of it all. There is of wanting to help and there being nothing to do. Your strength has flown into Simon and so he needs none of his own. He can lean on you and that is how it comes to be that Simon leans on you in disregard and all there is in him would be nothing at all without you. This is real strength from you. And real love no need of to return it later. It is your free gift and I see the futility of it. And I can respect you far more than I believed by that.
Simon needs to be given your strength to be anything. And you have loved to give your strength with and so it happens that after so many years it will always be so with you. And that is what finally I can say is for respect in me of you.
If you have a problem I may have the answers through understanding. I may have the answers through understanding but all I can give you are the words. The understanding and the answers have to grow in you by yourself of yourself and I can only tell you what the words will be later. When you have the answers your words will be the same as mine and what is real for you may be the same as what is real for me but it if you have the answers real for you my words will not help. So if I sit quietly and simply smile it is not that I do not care. It is not that I do not see. It is not and I do not know. It is that I cannot make things inside you that are real. You have to build those yourself and then we can come to understand each other's words.
I spoke to Andrew yesterday. Andrew chooses to be quiet now. Probably Andrew chooses to be inside himself entirely now. That is how it may be for him because there is no trust in him now. His friends have all turned their backs on him. His family have all turned their backs on him. Everybody has left him on his own completely. He has no money. He has no job. He has pain and little comfort. And all of the practical things he does not care about at all. People who Andrew trusted have all turned their backs on him. And so there is no trust Andrew now. So he chooses to be quiet, and this is close to cynicism and complete futility inside him. So he chooses to be entirely inside himself now. And that is how it uses it to be. It looks as though every time anybody seems to be trusted by Andrew it is turned away as soon as it is no longer using it. That is what it is about growing from inside you. If it is part of the social services it is a job. If it gets difficult it is just a job. It is left behind even if it cannot really be left behind. Even if it is real care it is put on like a uniform every evening or every morning. It is something that may be quite real but it is entirely on the outside even if it is on the inside too. It is entirely on the outside. Whatever it is on the inside it has to be the outside that is met. The outside only can be met because it is a job and that is what the job he is, to be on the outside at least. Even if it is the same on the inside exactly to care it often is but still it is the outside that is met and so it is a job.