First I am here. Then I am not. I am here and then I am not. Isn't it always like that. It all seems to go on again. This is the first part of falling in love. First I am here. Then I am not here. It is all rather like that. Did somebody once say I was to emotionally intimidating. Isn't that how it is. Doesn't it go like that. Isn't that what the future is about. Doesn't it always happen like that. That is because I have been trying again not to see the world in that light. That is what I have been trying to do.
Snowdrops. The snowdrops are all growing by the door from the nursery to the house. By the orchid house. The ones in the black pots. By the wooden step. In straight lines. What it is about snowdrops is impossible to write. What it is about things is not what it is in words. The words are not as much as what it is about things. It is more. It is always more. And what it is about snowdrops is not always what is about snowdrops written down. That is not at all all it. I met Carl in Truro last week accidentally and Paul. It was a bit like that. Some people are amusing and some people are amusable. There is that difference always to think about. And meeting Carl was strange. It was where two weeks before I had been crossing the road and again Carl and Paul had nearly run me over. And here again meeting them on foot. The sun was shining and there was no hurry for things to be otherwise. That is why it is like snowdrops. It is like Truro. It engages all have your attention for the moment. It allows nothing else to be otherwise. And the sun is shining. Of snowdrops it is always that the sun is shining all over them even when it is not. That is how it is. Wasn't it somebody who said I was emotionally threatening. Wasn't it somebody. All of the snowdrops are coming up now, even those that were planted last year and did not look as though they would be coming up at all. Certainly now they are here. Wasn't it emotionally threatening. Threatening to be complete. Threatening to be more complete. Isn't that what it was. Isn't that it.
Snowdrops always in the sun. It is like the pigeons. It is always in the sun. It is like going out in the morning and having the pigeons fly down to you to be fed. It is totally absorbing in its intensity. It is totally absorbing. It is the same feeling as the snowdrops. Exactly the same. It is always sun. Absorbing sun.
In the end. It all comes around so in the end. There is all there is. There is all. It takes a whole tree to make 400 newspapers. Only 400 newspapers from each trees that is cut down. No more. In Great Britain we used twenty two million newspapers every day. We use 55,000 trees. Used all used. All used.
There is a Geranium phaeum in flower now. For no good reason it is in flower now. It is a pale colour form that I got from Ingwersen's in a batch of seedlings. It is pale purple, fading towards the centre. I have now for a long time been thinking of suitable names for these plants because there are many such forms. And for this one last night I thought of 'Concrete Sorceress'and for the moment it is a name that I like for it. In the end.
Wasn't it somebody who finally called me emotionally threatening. For a long time I have been thinking about me and not finding anything very unexpected. But this was very unexpected and I was able to understand it as well. For a long time now I have been avoiding looking at my own insecurity. While it is known to be there it is not seemed before to be important. And then somebody said I was emotionally threatening and that was interesting me in making me look harder at what it is. For so long now I have not thought of myself at all as threatening. In the second place that is because I have always before been always entirely around people who were thinking about themselves in those terms and that was possible to be what it was without it being anything else. But now it is stronger in me to be things it is probably seeming very strong in people still when this is not so much so. So this is secondly by firstly I think it all has to do with school. For no reason school was coming up now so there must be a reason. Anyway that was when it was that it all started to be so in me, although if it is thought to be careful then it was long before that. I can remember it must have been six or seven to me standing on a wall with somebody who was called Anthony then. And somewhere else something was happening but it was not here and that was how it was. And Anthony was a part like it was in me then that he could have been a tortoise but it is also long ago and it fades but that is what is left. And then much later I went to a public school where for me it was natural quite natural with nobody at all I knew and it is all being nothing but introverted at all for me to carry on alone and that was being prepared really to be a victim. That's the way it goes. It went that way. And so it started in me a period of being always a victim and then shortly after it started in me to avoid by anything to be noticed at all and I think that is where that started. To be seen to be nothing because to be seen to be anything was shortly to become a victim. And that was also long long ago that it is still strong in me and if there is no pain in it now it was not always so always. So that was school and so it was to be a victim and after so early on nothing can ever change. And still in me so long there is being prepared to be a victim. To be frightened by all new situations. It is very strong in me to be in control and that is to be avoiding always what is new, which is to be isolating always and pulling apart and always prepared to be a victim. So there is in me no change that is really wanted, only that which is accepted as unavoidable and there is strongly a need to be secure and to be able to remove from it all for that time. For me everything that is said is said to me personally and so it is that to touch me. It is caution.
And that is how it is to be emotionally threatening now by being expecting to be being a victim. And it is needing to understand and to have a reason for everything and to be prepared to answer everything whatever it may be them to always need to be right. That is to be self reliant because there is no trust at all for other people. It is to be remote and not at all close. It is for me to be impossible to talk to any more than one person and not for any more. And also it is strongly for compassion because there is always hope in it somewhere. So here it is in me what school was. And it could probably not be otherwise. To be a victim was needding not to be top of any class but to be bottom was easiest. There it was not at all noticeable so this the effect that was with me then and will still be with me always I expect. So that is school and that is public school and that is what it did to what I already had in me. And I never felt any loyalty to anything to do with school and I was quite glad to leave even not liking things to change. Even so it was quite nice to leave. There is no loyalty in me really to it. For me it was always cold. To be on the fringes of an institution really that operated mostly on dislike. So that is school and that is finally one of the ways I feel about it. Now it is here I have no doubt it will come along again. There is nothing at all in the school that is anything at all like snowdrops or pigeons. There was never anything that I was pleased just to be until almost the end and that was other things. Really it was all about dislike. And so I am thought of as emotionally threatening and it is probably true.
No doubt there will be more. It is not by any means all open yet. The time and the place need to be done slowly. There is still all of that festering under the rock but that will one day be dealt with. It will be here or it will not be here but it will have to be.
Wasn't it somebody yesterday who called me emotionally threatening and I have them to thank for that.