It is Tuesday and even so it still feels like a Thursday. However hard it seems to be it has to be a Tuesday. To reopen all the old avenues. It is time. It is time without change that does it. It is time without change that closes all the old avenues. You go to bed full of opportunities and when you wake up it is later and some of them are gone. Unless they are propped open they close.
Even so when I woke up it was Tuesday and it was early and waking up is being alive before you prejudices catch up. Waking up is to be nothing and it is warm and the sun is shining somewhere. Anyway it is getting light earlier in the morning now. It was seven thirty and the macaws woke up. I have to baby macaws and in the day they are in the playpen but every night they are carried up into my bedroom to sleep on a perch in the corner. In this way at the very least twice a day I pick them each up and carry them around and now they're both have very sharp claws that will again need to be trimmed.
It is getting light earlier now and so it is seven thirty and I do not want to get up and the macaws have woken me up by climbing down to me and soon will be running over the duvet and chewing on my hair and generally making a fuss of me and it would be quite impossible to sleep at all. So why get out of bed and carry the macaws down to the playpen and open the back door and let the dogs out. The weather is calm and sunny and we are predicted a hurricane for later but for now it is calm. And I take the post with some things that were not expected up to the office and then go back to bed. And about half past nine it is time to really get up. So I get up and first I get dressed, and then I go and get the keys for outside, them I feed the dogs, then I feed the birds outside then inside then it is twenty past eleven and I have some small breakfast. Then as it around for a bit and by twelve I pot some Geranium phaeum and some variegated Vinca. Then it is time to give the birds their fruit which is only apples because I have run out. Then I have some soup for lunch. It is nice to see all the snowdrops. Then I do some clearing up of old pots and trays and some filing of holes with the excess compost and vine weevils which will all have to be controlled again. And at about 3.00 I go to the bank and take out some money. Buying cereal for tomorrow breakfast is one thing. Then out to Rowes for more fruit for the birds which is English apples and Spanish oranges because the Spanish are not killing Palestinians at the moment and the Israelis are. And a bag of carrots because they have been very good and there is an assistant there I have not met before who is marginally more attractive than the one I know. Then to the timber company to buy 5 inch nails to make the base for what will one day be an aviary for owls by which at the moment is only a space with holes in it being filled with excess compost. That will be one day and it might have been today by the wind is blowing now and there are hailstones which I don't mind when they hit me but they melt all over later. As I write that the power all goes off outside and inside. So I get the nails and some pieces of plywood to paint on then because I have heard that a shop in Camborne has two monkeys I go to see the conditions of them and they are not there at all so it is only a rumour and I am enchanted by some soft shelled terrapins with long noses. So I come back and buy a sack of peanuts and a sack of maize for the birds before I run out and am home. And as I sit down and write all the power goes off and fortunately this room has candle lanterns throughout so I light them in the dark and continue. Shortly it will get colder due to the electric fire and then I will go out. Later this evening I have to write a second draft of an article about macaws and morality and I was going to write this in a gay bar because the close juxtaposition of the ideas amuses me, and now all the power has gone off, even the streetlights so I will go out soon.
When you have finished you have to stop and for me the best way to stop at present is to not stay in but to go out and alone in the car is a good way and then change and then back quickly and anymore is not needed.
It is going for complete burnout. It is going out and it becoming nothing. Because it is the same people and so the world is becoming smaller. But it is allowing it to burn right out. It is after all everything of everything so it Carries through to the end. I don't think it can go on forever but who knows. It is also much more unpredictable now because I have started it all changing again. It is back on to the merry go round again. Who can say now who needs to.
I thought it had blown out but it hasn't so I'm going out with the lantern in the car in the hope that it would be back when I return. Back to more normal.
Depression. Depression is depression. Depression is seeing into the future now. It is seeing. It is seeing it alone. It is seeing it alone and understanding. It is understanding and not accepting. Not accepting. Understanding is the greatest gift. And the greatest pain.
Arriving home in darkness and getting straight into the bed waiting. The power is still off this morning and later the electricity board were quite cheerful about it all and promised it would be ready by lunchtime so I went out and when I came back there it was. Then in the afternoon I went out to clip a cockatoo's claws. One claw, one foot spinning round to dig into the foot. So the bird had bitten it off. The wound is still open and swollen and full of pass. So I clipped the claws and advised them to talk to their vet.
It is strange how people are. The bird is in a hotel of some opulence but behind the doors it is faded blue emulsion but that is just practical. There is a man who owns a hotel who is very keen on external presentation but there is always a feeling that it is not quite genuine. That is what there is behind it, although it is not seen anything like that in his dogs so I may be wrong. There is a person who passes on confidences with the phrase 'not a word but'. This is exactly how it is. However to find all this out is interesting because of the fragility of life which is not at all surprising. It seems to be that the future holds again change. It is again change. That which is being built I have no confidence in and that which is will not remain. There is great effort here and already it looks as though it is doomed to be so. It looks to be doomed. There will be an end to it. It will all end. The whole structure was working and now it is falling apart. That will be sad because it will be sad. There is much that needs to be said and done and it can only be so in things being together socially. That is the only way it can be so. No more.
Once decay comes there will be no hope so now action will be needed and time will not be allowed. It all has to happen here it has to happen. Now is the time. It may not all last until later so before this week is over it must be seen and attended to.
Peter supports all the help he gives on his own pain. That is where it all flows from. The support he gives feeds back into his self confidence. That is where it all ends up and he uses it in order to cope with his own problems which are vulnerability and lack of self confidence. These are often a problem, even in me in you, but here they are much more acute. And so everything happens all are ones and it must be so and it is probably best to be entirely honest in my feelings on the matter. This is difficult because of Cary who will be hurt by being in the wrong place. This is how it will be to go forward that way but to do less is to do less and so regret it all. If there is any pain at all in me when I look at it, it seems to me it must all be self pity. When I had started thinking last night about nothing much it was like it all was about me. That is how it was. It was as though it was all about me. It was all very egocentric and that is not at all being nothing. Know that is not being nothing, that is being everything which can look the same and still not be. So this week is to take all the available opportunities. And to be totally egocentric but it is nothing at all but it is very difficult to be nothing fully. All roads lead to Rome. It is probably so. This is all about self pity really. When I woke up this morning there was no power but that didn't matter to me very much. But I woke up upset because of the sad and distressing state of everything that could be sad and distressing. So after I had done the birds I began to realise that it was all self pity. Nothing but self pity. And then it was possible to really cheer up much more. Because there is no need for all the self pity today. Here I am. This is me. This is me. Sometimes it needs to be more to be so with conviction. There is no need for self pity. Either it is so in me or it is not.
Time is now pressing and I am forced to act even if by my nature I am reluctant to do so. This may be a good thing it may be a bad thing. It may just be the way it is in it. The world is time and time is change and even change is to be not only always different outside but always different on the inside from time to time. So with time pressing it is a chance for me to be positive about how to be and for a moment one way or another to try to drop the observer and become the participant. This will take a lot in me and the right environment because it is all very difficult for me to change.
There was a man who kept peacocks with clipped wings to stop and visiting the council estate. He didn't have a garden just a lot of space. His life was filled with deliberate distractions but there was no garden.