41.

I have been enjoying the snowdrops and from the moment they came up have wanted to pick them to have a few in the house. To begin with they were not coming up when they were expected and then suddenly, small and white the flowers were nearly ready. That was when it was most distracting wanting them for the house and also wanting them in the ground to spread enough for next year. Then in Truro there were snowdrops for sale in the florist's and so for 45 pence I could have both by then standing there for a while finding the money I was quite sad that somebody had had to pick them at all really.
There. There is a series of problems. First there is a drug addict trying to decide if he is to be a drug addict or not through his choice. There is Rod who is tied up in his father's business and not able to escape it. This is all getting so much for him that I can see him not able to manage and also I can see that he is not yet old enough to be able to break down properly. He is not yet old enough. There is another from Penzance who has been diagnosed as HIV positive and is now dealing with pneumonia and all of the other problems. He is quiet with the thought of it now but it is still always there for him. Then there is Peter who has run away from the stress of London and who now wants to make it more but he is soon succeeding. That is Peter. Peter is old enough to have a complete breakdown and that is what will have to happen first whatever.
Driving home with tears in my eyes. This is all slippage. It has all been written. I should have seen it. Standing in a slide zone. This is slippage. This will all work its way through to the end. This is it. What it is that seems to be unstable is what it is. It will all work its own way through to the end. There it is.
Is it better to accept what it is because it is inevitable or to try to change it which is impossible. To try to change it?
There are ways of things being inside and things being outside. There are ways of things being change and ways of change being the same. That is always a way of change being nothing and yet change can be a great stimulus to things being real. It all becoming dependent on the same small group which was change once. It all becoming dependent on the same small group and so the world is much less. A week or so ago somebody who I do not remember the name and will not miss. A week ago somebody who I will not miss when it is gone. A week ago somebody said hold on to your inner light. Now at the time that was not at all important because the person had become a thing like that. Now it is not so it has become more destructive. So much the words now are all becoming nothing. But now it is dependent on the same small group of people and so the world is all much smaller. And because the world is much smaller and the small people have come to assume an unwarranted importance. Last week it was all new and all change and by this week it is not. week it was all change and a small destructive comment was not troubling and barely noticed except relief in escaping at. But this week it is not all change and it is smaller and it is here that are small comment is so destructive. So now it is not so much relief.
And as well it was a day for waking up not so much in time and that not being important and by there being no attempt to make the morning into anything except what it has to be so there was time to stand away from it and time to see what it is whatever it is. And so there is less and less to be done but still there is no need to rush.
The difficulty is one of words. The difficulty with drug-o is showing him that other possibilities exist that a whole worlds and as fulfilling. It is not possible with words to be so complete. It is difficult to show him the whole world of it. He gets great pleasure and great satisfaction from the drug and really nothing will show him any other alternative. Not no better alternative just no alternative. And that the final analysis if he is aware of the reality of the risk is there any right even to try to change his choice. If it is his choice it is his choice.
I begin to see the words will not shown anything of anything to him. It is the emotional articulations of the conversation that are more than the words. Much of what I see and appreciated my own life is my own ontology. My own development to say that these things are not transferable. It is emotional spaces and patterns that give conviction about the state of other lifestyles. And if the emotional content is poorly presented and unconvincing it will be no more than that. There is no emotional sleight of hand available. If it is not real it is not real at all. It is the emotional content that makes it all the difference. And at that level what right to charge one style of life or one lifestyle even over another. The liver makes the decisions. As long as it is knowingly that is all that matters at all to others and to the outside.
I have to sit down and think about the emotional space and see if that is what it is. Again and again it seems to me that nothing can be built until it is reduced to the bare foundations. It is to be cut down to nothing that is not too solid. The urge to destroy is a creative urge. It is to be bare foundations. It is always very clear in one who is to the bare foundations and then built again and one who is not yet. It only takes it to be looked at. In drug-o it is not at all at the base. Nowhere near it is so much more in Rod.
Nothing really from the outside can change what happens on the inside. Possibly only the emotional content can ever be seen. The words cannot portray the whole world view that is needed through there not being enough of them to balance it all in talking to somebody. It just cannot be done. The words are not enough to portray. It just cannot be done. It is what it is.
The responsibility cannot be taken on to myself or on to yourself. It remains in the problem only if that is what it is seen as. To try to take away the responsibility of it is to join the problem not to resolve it.
It is the futility of it. Of understanding and not being able to do something about it. It is knowing the problem and the solution and not to be able to join them together because of the words it all takes. It is knowing the solution and seeing it rejected. It is the futility of words but there is not enough time to be enough. To not join the problem to the solution. Days go by. And so not being able to do anything. It is knowing this is real in attitude but if I go to the cinema tonight it will be different after. It is being impressionable to the emotional content and possibly that is how the emotional content of a conversation can change the moment. And the impressionability to such things is all different throughout. How he can change the moment and not I don't think the truth of what is real for you. Just the bits that are most easily seen at the time at the time is what is changed by the emotional content of what it is. It is to look at different parts most closely of what is real in the whole. By taking on the emotional content I can lose what it is central but this is not to change it. That is just to look away. To hide it. Perhaps really after all the emotional content is just escapism. This is how it is for Peter. Life wakes up and goes to sleep. All the rest is escapism. This will not be held. Certainly it will not be held just once in words. It will be escaped. Being as low as possible is all. Not to ever forget the futility. This always has to be at the base of it. Other than that being what it is can only be relatively superficial even when it does not seem it. If that is not its place it can be no more. It is keeping myself always had nothing. It is waking up in the morning and being awake before all the other pieces catch up. It is never for a moment pretending to myself it is possible to be any more real than nothing. It is all to be nothing always. It is always waking up before anything else catches up with you that is what it is.
I'm trying to have things that are real and things that are practical together as worlds and perhaps that is not possible. It has to be one or the other. And I hope I will choose what is real but like everybody else I will probably choose what is practical.
Peter once said isn't that dangerous. Yes I suppose but there is only one pathway. There are no options if it is real. The danger is part of an unavoidable process. To consider it really is nothing. The pathway moves on and I must follow it. That is all. That is why there is change. It takes all sorts. It takes all those will die young. It takes all those who will die stoned. It takes all those who will die eating trifle. It takes those like me. It takes all sorts. They are all part of it. They are all needed. They all die and are replaced.
It takes everything you have. And when you have given it all that is enough. That is the way it is. So if you have a lot it takes it all and the problems of giving also great. It is the trauma of change being resisted in giving it all. So it is to be nothing. It is to have nothing to give. It is enough. It needs nothing and there it is completely. So that is why it is to be nothing. The solutions then require nothing. This it can be.
You only ever see yourself in other people unless you are nothing. Then there is room to see other people in other people. Otherwise you only see yourself in other people. That is all you see. Yourself.
Drugs and people and dancing can only help you find what is already in you. There is nothing new it can build. It is only ways of approaching the things in you you cannot reach in other ways at all. This is different styles of writing being appropriate for finding different things.
I am the wall. I am the stones. It is to be covered in ivy. It is to be the wall. There is no space between. It is to be it is. The green ivy. There was time this afternoon to think about it and there was enough time to be no goal and no pressure it was just so. I am the wall. The ivy covered wall. I am the stones together as I am. The green ivy. There is no spaCE between us. I am the wall.
Perhaps there is no way I can influence you at all with words. All I do is show you how to find the things that are already in you. That is to give you a fuller view, or rather a view of other than the same pieces. Here is why style to write because of some things there is no other way, these are all words. And altogether words are in many ways and these are the views of the pieces and not all the pieces are once upon a time they all lived happily ever after. Not at all is it like it would seem. So these are the style of words being important. That is involved by showing all the things in you.
Here is the paradox. Nothing you can do will change how it is for it to be so in somebody. So it is best to be nothing. To allow all the space to be but that there is to be that person fully. There is no right to change who that person is fully so the problems are reduced to nothing. So it is best to be nothing to allow the space for that problem to be that problem for me to be that person to be that person fully to allow the space fully.
That is problems of who they are. Then nothing that can be done will change anything so you can do what you can to accelerate discover of those things in people that will be best need. That is there can be no change in all the actions that are taken. That is that action can be taken to be better. That is the paradox.
But mostly it is seeing themselves fundamentally that is needed. So that action is either nothing or it is sharp and incisive. That is it is either to be nothing and to allow the space to be what it is to be without restrictions and fundamentally that is what it will become. Or it is to be sharp and incisive and to cut away the right to the base to destroy to allow to rebuild. It should not be to be another crutch to avoid the situation. It should not be that at all. That is not addressing the problem but being yourself flattered by the situation. In emotional problems this seems to me to be very harsh. In emotional problems there is nothing but dislike for any solution. To be nothing or to be incisive which is often pain. This is the paradox. It is courage of your conviction time. It is changing how you deal with problems to produce solutions and some of those are very hard and it is no longer being flattered by the crutch effect but often to be reviled. I have read that before somewhere in what is real. That is why it has to be nothing in you always. If it is anything it will be balanced. If it is so doing good is to be hated. Am I sufficiently me to cope with that or do I choose to not do anything at all that is anything and avoid being hated. Can I take the weight of isolation by choice and hate by caring of nothing to help.
Here is a practical solution. It is best to be nothing if it is enclosing. I will not contend. That is if mostly it is already constrained most it is best to be nothing and allow it to grow. It is spaces. To be nothing if it is passive. And to be incisive. To show new ground and break new paths free again if it is positive and outgoing. It is to take the cue of it from circumstances and that is most problems. I do not contend.
Both extremes lead in the same direction. To be nothing or to be incisive. They are both the same. It is the middle, to vacillate, to support so live, that is not any more than a compromise approach. A crutch. A cosmetic exercise. It is to moderate and conventionalise and stereotype back into emotional submission.
Here is the space of environmental reinforcing of the middle path. In the dull colored music beating. Of compromise, of being no more than a mutual crutch to lead ourselves into self deception. Here to it must be one thing or another. To be nothing in the environment and it to be nothing in you and to be sitting on the floor. Or to be incisive and cut it to the base and allow rebuilding and reopen all the old avenues. These are then of independence of the environment. It is cutting free of the ties.
There is this feeling of it going round, of it all going round. Again and again.
It is dark. The clock is going backwards but still ticking forwards.