I had said that I would and I meant it. Over Christmas I had influenza. Over Christmas influenza had me. It works that way. And so all of a sudden it was today. It was a slow today. It was slow until I got up. Then it was the day I meant it to be and I no more used tissues all of it. Caught between two equal decisions and neither going forward or back and changing mostly changing and finally realising to come to rest in a lay-by. I didn't say I was coming because I care what I find. I didn't say I was coming because I don't care what I find or who. Just the spaces. The friendly spaces. I don't want to see or talk to anybody there. It is just a place to go. And now it isn't. The fireside. The warm fireside.
Half a field of red cabbages are growing untidily. The colour is the mist is the colour is the cabbages. The more you see the more you understand the less point there is and that is where courage happens.
Who is going to drive you home tonight?
I don't like not being at home now. I don't like it at all. Time seems to be making the boundaries larger and also time seems to be making the boundaries sharper also. The boundaries are larger now only larger slightly. The boundaries are sharper now only sharper much. Time doesn't help at all unless you are in the right direction for it. Time and not being at home. To look at very old people. Time. How very alike are babies. Babies and old people are very alike all the time.
And so I suppose this is like an ending because it all starts here. Christmas is gone again and is lurking in the past and so tomorrow can be monday again properly. I was talking to John and paul because they want a dog and they don't want a dog and the dog hasn't been involved but it will have to be. That is to say John wants a dog and I think he doesn't and Paul doesn't want a dog and I think he does. They want a dog and they don't want a dog and the dog isn't involved yet. John wants what he wants and the dog isn't involved but Paul is. Paul wants what he wants and the dog isn't involved but John is and I think the dog will have to be involved before anybody sees it. Then it will be too late because human nature will have been swapped for a dog. John and Paul are learning about eachother. Neither of them has the look of an Old English Sheepdog and both of them could have. Caught between two equal decisions neither going forward or back and changing mostly changing which has become learning. Spaces. Friendly spaces. I didn't say it because I care what I find. I didn't say it because I don't care what I find. Changing is learning is changing. For me it is me and people who are outside and inside me. It can be an Old English Sheepdog but that is not involved. It is people for people and me inside and outside people. If it could be heard by them I could tell it if it could be heard by them.