Problems have a way of being universal that people could do well to emulate. It can be three thirty in the morning and a Friday and it peculiarly appropriate for it to be a problem time. It is the way of people to be people that is so strange. I saw a person with a problem that will risk his life try with skill to solve the problems of a child being a child. And it was possible to reach down through that and help. There is much that is pattern following in all this. It is setting a lead and finding accidentally that it is followed. It is like the difference between religious leaders like Mother Theresa and leaders of religions like the Pope. One is what it is to be one and the other is what it is to be the other. Because by not leading their become followers that is how it is all real. Now in finding that a lead has been followed it is easier to see that an outcome is possible and perhaps it becomes personal and that can help. And perhaps it can only help by imposing it and then there is no right at all.
Now the reasons for entering into supporting people for one are to be supported. It is all rather to convince yourself of strength that it is there. It is convincing the inside that the outside is really the inside is the outside even when it is not so. It is very difficult to see that it and it is very clever and it is because the pain is too great. It is still being frightened to get close to other people which is still being frightened for that to be seeming on the outside. It is fear. And really it is fear to be too close to the inside which is so hurt it to be hurt and the pain. So it is distant from the inside to be close and that can never be until it is right. And so the time will come when the time comes to get close to the inside in one without fear and to deal with what it is that is the pain. Which this is the pain of having been raped before and all of it being tied up in the middle and then never again getting close to it. And so nothing being from the middle it is all isolated. So everything is done technically nothing by intuition at all because that is to go to the middle and to let the pain all happen. So that is how it is to be very good because that is the only way and the reason to be so clearly objective in being a good is that it is all technical and no more. And he getting close to that to show it will be so will be the jealousy of another than dealing less than it is and that will be defensive and not good. But if it is all to begin it will all go back to then at least because intimate can be close inside to itself it cannot be anything more than casual on the outside it can never be close to anything. It is all too frightening to get close to people because it is all a frightening analogy of the inside. All the emotion that is bottled out inside is let go into other people where it is not any threat. These are also strong and so it is all enmeshing within the problem. So who could be a help to the problems from the outside by being real in fact becomes part of the inside and so it becomes itself part of the problem as is always so with the solution but by making it all more complex it can never solve the problem just to raise new aspects of it always an mean that not five problems to be solved but six and compared with the sixth the first five are so much less than it.
These are the things that all happen in problems and other road behind every door. That is where problems are.
Anyway again it has got to be three thirty in the morning and by ten-o-clock Alan had come to pay for so long ago plants to days before and I was not up yet and then it was so it becomes possible to have coffee and finally breakfast before anything else can happen. And I suppose I can help Alan if I hope it is so.
One does it with chemicals to value the experience. The other does it with emotions to value the experience. Neither does it to value themselves which both do only a little. So burning themselves. Burning themselves out. They neither value themselves very highly yet but for one that is the way out of experience into experience. It is starting. With him and it is starting in writing is where the starting is. Even though it feels to me that he is writing what he thinks a drug abuser ought to be writing he is feeling. He is not really writing it does not seem what is really feeling. If it is so why did he not write about Mark because that was clearly what he was feeling then and quite strongly probably. Perhaps by Saturday more will have been written. And what is written about drug abuse so far is only what he thinks he ought to be feeling but it is not any more than that. Perhaps I met a boy with tears on the inside with his heart should be. Perhaps there is a lesson in that all over and over again to all. Also clearly it is time to stop using my own writing to start people and give impetus because before long it will come to be nothing but copies of me so it is to encourage but not to guide but to allow it to be so as it is. So all that is written in poetry must be left open now to others to see.
Peter is trying to rebuild his self esteem which is what he needs but to do that he is blurring the boundaries between what he does and what he is. By doing well he is trying to be well. He's making a strong image but not fooling quite himself yet so there is still a small chance for him. If I am right it is a frightening path yet into nothing to rebuild. If I am wrong it is all to become rigid in fear and mistrust of the inside which is too frightening for words to catch. These are the patterns dark days and how everything starts again and while I was driving I realise that I was writing a chronicle of times ago that were my own breakdown because for me it was quite gentle and forceful. Today is comic relief day and the labour party is holding an executive meeting.
When the morning came I realized that we had been writing poetry into the night against each other like it was once in China in a poetry cup race now it was again here. The poems, the people, the drinks, the camaraderie. Here in this unlikely place culture of so old a style by grows and it is once again for a moment. This is the dark and smoke has no feel it could be that. Yet here afterwards that is what it all is. As a cup of heated wine flows down a channel a man writes a verse to beat it and a man pours a pint of ale that can be cider or Babycham for all all all. That is how it has come around again. What looked like aesthetics in the past recurs again without feeling like aesthetics again although that is what is actually happening. It happens, you enjoy it, and afterwards you can be amazed that even with all the changes a group of men can still sit there and enjoy what it was before. There may only be a thousand years between us but we are still the same. That is what happened and when it happened. I was amazed afterwards to realise this was what it had been. And it would be nice to see it all start by being regular and could all be like again it was in the old crab flower club.
A thousand years ago in Imperial China a group of noblemen and women met together in the occasional evenings with heated wine and good company to write competitively the poems of what things were and how it was to feel them and this was the crab flower club and here again it is all to happen even if it cannot hold together. This now in me is strong hope that it can be so. This would be very pleasant where it is difficult to be pleasant. This is hope and excitement in me. This was called the crab flower club.
Once I wrote to look for Rebecca but Rebecca is gone.