Choral speaking. There was a fashion she said. The space between creation and dogma. A movement from Barbados. Performance art. Escape from tradition. Street festival dance and sing.
A man delivered some wood this afternoon. Bundles of roofing battens. Last time he delivered them he put them by the house. They were too heavy to carry by myself so I left them there. He had to carry them to the house from the road. I told him I would be in. I left a note saying I was in the potting shed. He still carried them in by himself. I had told him I couldn't manage them alone. I was surprised. He had a point to make. It surprised me. I played the feeble act and so he had a point to make. He had something to prove to himself or to me. There were eight bundles. I discoverd him after he had unloaded three of them, and without thinking helped him with the other five, while also implying I couldn't move them myself. Did I do him a favour or not? Would he prefer to have thought he had managed. Was he grateful for my feebleness? He clearly had a point to make. What was it? Was his delivery a success or a failure by his standards?
Rod has been ill all of this week. It is his heart and his asthma. Jane has been going over there to help him out. He has been so ill he has allowed her to help him without the protestations his politeness usually require, Jane tries to take their problems onto herself for a while, and just as she succeeds she decides she has no right to order their lives for them and she has to hand their problems back to them. Problems belong to people as gold does and should not be stolen from them just because they are weak. Gold is very heavy to carry. Problems are never safe.
The rumour is that Pete has made his mind up. The rumour is that Pete is coming back on monday. The rumour is that Pete is coming back to the past. I wonder if he expects to find it. Cas is excited. Cas is very excited. Cas has to be excited. Cas only seems to have one real function and it is to be excited. The rest is all for other people. Only the excited is for Cas himself. Cas has something to be himself for. He is excited. This is simple and selfish and finally Cas has something of himself without needing it in any other colours. Cas has finally become interesting. I doubt if Cas will hold on to that for Cas that would be very difficult. That is how it is. Pete is coming back to the past. Pete is coming back to the past again. Pete is also being only himself in this. It is all he can be now. This is also Pete being selfish. He is coming back to the past because that is all he has in him of himself. Pete has always been interesting because he has always had this in him as it is. For him it is him. Cas is still learning. Cas does not easily see some patterns and so he can be selfish. Pete can easily see patterns and so he can be selfish. That is how they can both come together. There are spaces together they can never meet. One is as one is. The other is learning what that means.
Young who fit now healthy see. Figures move slowly in intersecting circles across the stage and slowly the curtain comes down and the lights fade. I got a letter from Gerry and Jenny in Portugal. They are both exactly as it should be. In the letter they were both exactly as they were. The letter was as real as they are. They were here they were in Portugal. It is all so very simple. I have to write to Gerry in Portugal. Nothing I could have written until today could be very real for Gerry because it couldn't. Today I got a letter from Portugal and now I can write to Gerry and be real.
I suppose spring. Its getting colder anyway. Today it felt like autumn. No cold before spring yet so perhaps it is still autumn in the seasons. Yesterday the elderly were talking about youth. Some elderly of body some elderly of mind but mostly just seeming reactionary. And they all had youth tied down. They had it all down pat. It was all so simple. I'm sure it was never that simple. It was never that simple. It really was never that simple. How can anybody forget to strong so mixed and still how can it all forget. When I finally wrote to Gerry that is what it was which was a pity.
Changes are happening and people I don't know yet are going to get surprises they are not really expecting and delay and sadness will descend on people I don't know yet. That is just how it is.
Less to see working day by day. free labels, no comments about why. Little round black glasses perched on a nose. Sanity and insanity. We're not receiving subsidy or any public support. I rather dislike the human race as a species. Writing into nothing to meet creativity.
Routine, repetition and timing always the same regardless of the difference. Patterns repeating. Types of being around at a time. Styles of behaviour about timing and appearance. Diagnosis by non-specifics.
What can you give to a person who has lost everything? Sacrificing everything on the altar. What altar? Everything has been given to the people who judge. We have no memories tonight. Driving. Driving to nowhere.