There are a number of ways of seeing yourself, and one of those is seeing yourself as others see you. To start with that seems very simple, but really you are really seeing yourself as you want others to see you. Then you see it is very difficult. It is very difficult to do. It is very difficult to see yourself as others see you. Then you care not so much as not care so much. Then it is much easier. Then it is possible to see from the ways people react to you. Then it is possible to see how people see you from the ways they react to you. To be that thing is a change in how you choose to be seen. I am used to being as I am and that is all. I am used to that. And I am used to the ways people react to to what I am used to being. I was wearing a grey pullover and some grey trousers. If that was all I would be used to the ways people had of reacting to me. If that was all I would be used to it. As well as that I had a large black and white Arabian scarf wrapped around my shoulders, with tassels and all very decorative and striking. Now I was very aware of it. It was not so much that it would be easily ignored. So part of this would be bound to be more self-conscious in what it is in me. Some of all that it was is in being much more self-conscious in me at all. So as I got out of the car and the wind was blowing first of all I was aware of that and it was to be blown. But I was there. It was in at the time what it is. So deftly twisted the hanging end of my scarf to blow between my torso and my are where it was mostly controlled. And then the feeling of the people became not the same. I walked past some young people with leather studded jackets and other things of that sort that I am usually just nothing in. And here it was strange to feel so slightly a warmth of what it was to be there. It was not so much of a something of what was happening but it felt slowly so although it was walked past these people before it was easily recognised as such. And in the supermarket the person behind the bakery counter was the same person but not at all the person I was used to it being. It was much more relaxed and more smiling but it did not seem at all to be more friendly, possibly. But possibly. But possibly more puzzled. It was niot a simple attitude to understand to me. But possibly it is just that it is for me an attitude that is new is just new so is less easy to see. Perhaps that is what it is but then that is the point really. And I spoke to Mary who would normally find no more or less but it ws not quite the same at all this time. So that was strange too. And then at the checkout I smiled so briefly and said hello or something small of that sort to the lady in the queue with me that got no more than a brush off which would usually I am sure got just more somehow. But then it is possible that it is all me anyway. I was nearly accidentally rude recently by allowing not so much for people to take for granted as perhaps I am used to. I am not sure. So perhaps it is all me but I think for part of it it will have to be the scarf which is beautiful as well as spectacular.
The bakery counter was as full as ever with products that had been baked. It started at one end and then followed in row after row of buns and pastries and rolls until it all becomes loaves. Some of these are white, covered in icing sugar. Some of these are covered in sugar granules, some in granulated sugar. Many have sultanas peering out around the edges. Many of them do not. I remember seeing some with cherries as well at the edges. Remember it well. Those are what I want. Those there the Bath buns by the Belgian buns. See, some Bath buns. Wholesome somehow by comoparison with partly white Belgian buns. If I was going to write a guide to Cornwall it would have to be a guide to the Belgian bum manufacturers of Cornwall. There is a feeling for me that perhaps there would be some interest in all of that for me.
So before I am really there I am gone. It is enough that it should be so. That far away from far away there should be all that there should be all. I can feel the waves rising and falling on the beach where they should rise and fall and the feeling is in me even here. Looking back by accident at long ago I saw a people who had imagined themselves into an Art Deco future in the same way as we are managing to imagine ourselves into a chrome and plastic present from years ago. It is a frightening image now the abstract one of space and light and computer generated numbers without form. Style without form without substance. It is a frightening thing all of this. This chrome and plastic present is already dissolving into a matt black box future. No form. No form at all. Pure style. Black box style of emptyness. The void. I saw it in your living room. The nothing of being nothing. There was a time. We look backwards to hide.