Where has it got to now. They are words with a lot of power. A lot of strength for good or bad flows in them towards the next thing. Last night the group sat around like words in a slowly forming sentence. If you like there was a chairman who doesn't choose to be a chairman. He is a mouth in the group, slowly falling out of dreams and into something. It is not yet something strong, but it is learning how to be strong. It is learning rapidly how to be strong. It is rapidly growing into something strong. It is slowly and painfully emerging from the mud into the cutting atmosphere. Slowly slowly quite contrry how does your harden mind. I remember being frightened that it would never arrive in time but it looks as though it will. I can see my mind moving its position in the pattern. Soon it will be time for me to be no more. It will be time for my mind to step again outside this field. Time will come a day time to come. Think of it as an oil can, then take away the can and think of what is left is my purpose in all of that. So where is it going. Perhaps I fill a space that only allows an oil can to form around me. In this case the verb is a very active verb. It fills and defines rigidly. It is probably not entirely essential. Many sentences are better without. It has a feeling of needing to be needed but still not able to be essential. It is a very busy thought that defines rigidly and sharply. The reason for it to be is to be. Somehow its force lends direction. Sometimes it is only noise and bluster. Sometimes it is the noise that allows things to be. Cartainly it has not yet been a problem. Perhaps one day it will be. Certainly there have been time for quiet to take over. The there s a small adjective. It is good. It prefaces everything to do. It is a good way to care. It is a good thing to do, it is a good answer to give. It is quiet. It is easily overlooked. It is short. It has very little to say. I underpins everything that is done. To some extent yo are too solid to be anything but the object. You hold the purpose. There is a great deal that rotates around you. There is a great deal you can centre. It is good that there can be a place like this for you. Other spaces are filled in other ways. There is care here that is maternal, enfolding, oprotecting. A simple devotion. A simple thing. At the other end is the other end. It is the flip side. It is the maternal instinct without the understanding. It is fast and birdlike and stupid and small. It worries and needles and very rarely says anything with any meaning. And what was there from the beginning is fading. It is losing. It chooses to go away and die. It is a very old elephant. It has a symbolic function but it is getting less and less practically so. The function now is to show everybody things that are quite nice, and how it can all be changed if need be. In among all of this I think the end of my pattern is coming. I think the time is coming for me to end in the process of pushing. My time has come or will soon. No more than another week will be enough until the time comes for it to end.
I saw Mother Theresa last night being interviewed on the television by a man with very little. He asked questions that had very little meaning. Now I understand better something about counting one and one and one. I saw Mother Theresa explain it when she was asked about what help twenty eight million pounds would be to the homeless, and she replied that she only counts individuals. One and one and one. These big numbers mean nothing to her. Only one and one and one. It is very simple. I tried to explain in my mind how if you stop to rest on your laurels you are left behind and become nothing. You become something from the past. Something that was, but is no more. One day a giant was walking through a forest, and she stumbled over a set of telephone numbers and a small bird. You were telling me about something you dreamed. A penny in your ear.
I saw somebody who was much fatter than I expected. And I looked at the face and it meant nothing to me except that it was familiar and very unpleasant. And then finally the pieces fell into place and I knew why you looked so unpleasant. A jet has been hijacked and ended up in Algeria after a week or so here or there. Two people have been killed and the worlds press has been kept happy. And today a doctor has been allowed on board to tend to the sick, and some cleaners to make it bit presentable. The press reported it as though it was expected. As though they had no part in the tragedy or the drama.
It is so white. The sky is the grass. It is all white. There is no distance. No space at all. There is nothing solid. It is all white. Time and space are white. Out of the rabbit holes. Into the rabbit holes. It makes no difference. Days in which you drop things are different any other sort. I was standing at the door in the rain waiting for somebody who wasn't in. Waiting. It was bright but then flowing down. Raining into the world. I was standing there. It can only happen on days when you drop things. It has been like that. It happens that way every now and then. It doesn't really matter what, once you have started to drop things it continues. It doesn't stop. There is room for a salad as long as it has the right colours. Here we are, hanging basket time again. Hanging baskets have to be fixed securely to brackets. They are bright and cheerful like mothers in law. Imagine a dozen mothers in law hanging by one hand from brackets around the house and you will understand how strong they have to be. Here we are, hanging basket time again. And you must say goodbye to me.
I was standing here and falling and understanding. I had a chance to explain why I was looking for a caravan to sleep in somne evenings. I remember seeing the sea flow up to where it was needed to be and the feeling of being right there with it while asleep. It would be a good thing to be to understand. And I was able to explain that and to have it all understood. And in the end I relaxed. I relaxed enough to remember your telephone number, and I had the courage to write it down where it was hard and cold and frightening. Slim chances rise and fall.