Education, writing, communication etc. do not offer understanding or answers, they offer ways of looking for undestanding or answers or ways of looking for ways of looking for understanding and answers.

It offers ways of systematising.
It offers systems to make forms and patterns from the apparently random substrate of experience, that may allow fragments of personal truth to be gleaned from the chaff of illusion. It does not require one system , or pattern or form, to be absolute in any way. The value and validity of sorting through chaff lies in the grains of personal understanding, not in the system, pattern or efficiency of the process.



Solomon.

A view of interpersonal relationships from a Penzance bench..




1)
Solomon Grundy
Born on a monday
Christened on tuesday
Married on wednesday
Took ill on thursday
Worse on friday
Died on saturday
Buried on sunday
That was the end of Solomon Grundy.



Realtionships can be all things to all people. They come in all varieties carrying with them obligations of all sorts. The process of development of relationships between people is governed by the same rules regardless of the intensity or duration of the relationship. The general process of relating to other individuals is the same. The long term relationships between lovers are often the most intense (and exclusive) of relationships. They are also among the most complex and universally experienced relationships. They therefore command the most attention, but are no more than particular examples of a general principle.


Two people meet, they interact, they separate. It is the barest bones of any relationship. It can last fractions of a second or the largest part of a century.





2)
I got this postcard. And it read. It said;
Dear Amigo. Dear Partner,
Listen, uh - I just want to say thanks. So...thanks.
Thanks for all the presents. Thanks for introducing me to the chief.
Thanks for putting on the feedbag. Thanks for going all out.
Thanks for showing me your swiss army knife. Oh and uh -
Thanks for letting me autograph your cast.
hug and kisses x x x x, 0 0 0 0
Oh yeah, p.s.
I - I feel - feel like - I am - in a burning building
- and I gotta go. Cause I - I feel - feel like - I am -
in a burning building - and I gotta go.



Head high, cautious, challenging, a single gull struts into the receding waves.


People meet anywhere at anytime. Under some circumstances they are forced to remain in eachothers company, but for the most part if they remain together it is a matter of choice. People choose to be sociable, and they choose the individuals they will be sociable with. The reason for that choice is reciprocal interest, whether practical, financial, physical, attitudinal, intellectual or all of those.


He leans back against the shop window, spreading his feet unconsciously. She takes a last drink from a coke can and crackles the thin aluminium. He notices. She notices. Everybody else is talking about Sandra.


The recognition of mutual interests is very fast. Time is rarely wasted on people who have been assessed as uninteresting.


She has pink hair, he wears tight jeans.
What does that look mean, eyes wide, questioning? I'm sure it's not the question you asked. As I lean towards you, you understand. No, I couldn't get there I said.
Walking along very slowly and laughing to eachother.


The relationship has started. Mutual areas of interest are rapidly explored. Interest in eachother grows to a peak. The rate of that growth is dependant on many factors, intelligence, experience, mutual knowledge, personality and a host of other things. The growth of interest can be very rapid, sometimes exceeding the bounds of practicality and appearing obsessive, especially seen among young lovers. At other times there can be long slow courtships in slow, sedately building relationships. In the case of lovers, two people come to consider themselves as part of a couple at or about the peak of their mutual interest in eachother. They relax in their efforts to create a relationship and turn their attention to the exploration of it. A process of discovery begins.


She walks along, thinner than the shadows of the railings on the esplanade.

He said: I'm sorry the car was troublesome. I think it's the carburettor.
She said: That's all right, I hope it doesn't cause trouble on your way home. You could check the distributor cap for wear.

Holding shopping bags on the outside, holding hands in the middle. Without words they smile at the same things and other peoples children.


Inevitably discovery must reduce interest. Things that are known are less interesting than things that are not known. It is the driving force behind curiosity. As things are discovered they become less interesting. The more is known the better understanding is of the whole. The better understanding, the more the individual is able to predict what is not known and the less interest there is in it.


The cold winds sweeps between them, so they hunch their shoulders, pulling padded coats around to protect.

The reflected sun makes part of the distant horizon painful to view. That section slides along the sea hour by hour, obliterating first one part then another.


Mutual interest between the partners starts to reduce, at first imperceptibly, as soon as the process of discovery commences. The rate of loss of interest is controlled by the rate of discovery and the factors that affect that are the same as those affecting the rate of growth of interest in the first place, intelligence, experience, mutual knowledge, personality etc. Relationships that build very rapidly are as likely to decay very rapidly. Relationships that build slowly are likely tro have slowness built into their decay.


He always pulled on the handbrake without pressing the button. A strained clicking crackle. It had always irritated her. She was taught to drive properly. She never slammed the car door hard enough to close it.


3)
He says: You know, I can see two tiny pictures of myself
and there's one in each of your eyes. And they're doin' everything I do.
Every time I light up a cigarette they light up theirs.
I take a drink and look in they're drinking too.
It's driving me crazy, it's driving me nuts.



They walk along the pavement. She holds her handbag between them. He holds the shopping bags between them. Separated by their posessions. They lean towards eachother.


For all organisms, and hence for all situations, change is inevitable. Some changes within the partners are likely to be complimentary. People adapt some behaviour patterns and accomodate to eachother. Other changes develop that come between the partners.


Mother, daughter, son-in-law, father. Three faces watch the passers-by. Mother talks about the relatives.


Changes brought about as a result of ageing are often easily dealy with. Changes in the personal development of the partners are less easily accomodated. People who marry very young, when there is still a high probability of rapid change in the individuals ('growing up') are likely to face problems in the way they relate to eachother. Even putting aside thought of 'practise makes perfect' , second marriages are likely to be more durable than first because of the greater probable age of the partners and so reduced rate of change.


4)
'Cause when love is gone -
there's always justice.
And when justice is gone -
there's always force.
And when force is gone -
there's always Mom. Hi Mom.



They walk along together rapidly and purposefully. She holds his hand. The wind catches her hair. Every time she tosses her head he looks at her. She is talking about the shopping. He listens and scratches the top of his thigh.


The process of discovery turns up not only interesting things to reduce, but irritating things which can easily be enhanced. As soon as discovery starts the process of dissatisfaction sets in. The longer discovery continues the more faults are discovered. The bulk of the duration of any relationship occurs in the middle section, where interest is falling off and dissatisfaction is increasing. Each day is an equilibrium between good and bad points, and inevitably the balance comes around to favouring the bad points. Time sees to that. Interest is reduced to boredom, dissatisfaction develops to irritation, resentment etc.


They sit in their allocated seats in the car. She points out the turnings. He drives past them.


5)
She said: It looks
Don't you think it looks a lot like rain.

He said:Isn't it
Isn't it just
Isn't it just like a woman.

She said: It
It goes
That's the way it goes
It goes that way.

He said: Isn't it
Isn't it just
Isn't it just like a woman.

She said: It's hard
It's just hard
It's just kind of hard to say.

He said: Isn't it
Isn't it just
Isn't it just like a woman.

She said: It
It takes
It takes one
It takes one to
It takes one to know one.

He said: Isn't it
Isn't it just
Isn't it just like a woman.

She said
She said it
She said it to no
She said it to no-one.
Isn't it
Isn't it just
Isn't it just like a woman.



He stands alone by the awning, checks his watch beneath the brown raincoat sleeve. In twenty two years his wife has never once been on time. She struggles along wearing tight black shoes and low heels, her feet wedged into sharp points. Why does he always try to rush her poor feet.


She does all her living in the spaces he leaves.


Obligatory relationships, where the partners are not entirely free to choose alternative solutions, such as parent/child relationships and possibly institutionalised relationships where liberty is restricted (prisons, mental health, many forms of disability etc.) must of necessity survive in nthis middle zone, balancing interest, disinterest, obligation and the security of habit into a moderate success, or occasionally catastrophic failure.


6)
I no longer loove your mouth.
I no longer love your eyes.

I no longer love your eyes.
I no longer love the colour of your sweaters.
I no longer love it.

I no longer love the colour of your sweaters.
I no longer love the way you hold your pens and pencils.
I no longer love it.




The black cormorants on the rock stand far enough apart from eachother to reduce aggression. As the sun comes out they sunbathe and stretch their wings out. They sidle further apart and relax more.


He said: I've just fixed the carburettor, it must be something else.
She said: Hardly surprising. You should get the garage to do it.
He said: I'm quite capable.
It was what she didn't say next that mattered most.



They sit in the sun on a six foot bench, occupying it fully. Stare out to sea. For almost an hour they don't say a word, then as one they rise and return for tea. They don't speak, don't touch, don't look at eachother. Their slow laborious steps pace eachother in exact rhythmic patterns, foot for foot.


7)
I got your letter. Thanks a lot.
I've been getting lots of sun.
And lots of rest. It's really hot.
Days, I dive by the wreck.
Nights, I swim in the blue lagoon.
Always used to wonder who I'd bring to a desert island.



Finally, the disinterest, boredom and irritation bring the relationship to its inevitable conclusion. It may happen immediately irritation exceeds interest, it may wait until the interest falls away to nothing, and irritation reaches a peak. The exact limits of tolerance are a reflection of personality.


8)
hello (casually)
yes it is (absently)
no (uncuriously)
really (with some surprise)
whose was it (out of politeness)?
mine (incredulously)!
when (challengingly)?
really (interestedly)?
ah ha (reminiscently)
mmm (musingly)
you should have told me (ironically)
a pity I couldn't have had it for you (gleefully)
there it is (grimly)
give me a ring sometime (dutifully)
you could always have another one (brutally)
c'est la vie (consolingly)
goodbye (sincerely)



She walks along, crosses the junction. He follows, side by side. He carries a fan belt. They talk about their new grandson. They don't talk to eachother. They are not very interested.

She peers in the window at the upholstery sale. He peers in the window at the passing reflections longingly.
Oh, that'll be nice won't it.


9)
What Fassbinder is it?
The one armed man walks into a flower shop and says:
What flower expresses
Days go by
And they just keep going by endlessly
Pulling you
Into the future
Days go by
Endlessly
Endlessly pulling you
Into the future
And the florist says
White Lily.



They come out of the snack bar. She skuttles to catch his arm as he pulls on his woolly gloves. She tells him all about it.
Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...he intones.


Personal relationships between 'tolerant' people can extend beyond this point. Irritation also has a peak. People have limits to their interest, but they also have limits to their irritation/repulsiveness. Once that limit has been fully explored there is nothing worse to find. By that time practical, financial, and other interests (family, health etc.) may have become sufficient to keep people together who may not reallly like eachother very much, but who can rely on their partners to be predictable and not threatening. Men and women probably have different views of their ability to make their way alone at different stages of their lives. There must be a point, however when it is easier to stay together than to risk parting. Many very old couples have little to say to eachother, often nothing complimentary, and live their lives almost independently within the same physical space/dwelling. They are together, they simply choose not to interact.


10)
Now
if not forever
is
sometimes
better than
never



11)
Weary and broken, old age, art thou now come upon me?
My faculties drying up like pools of water in summer,
My body dying, my brain rusting, my heartbeat dull and torpid -
Falling off like a dead leaf from the tree, unheeded, useless -
Is this old age? lonely, ah! how lonely!



He said: .....
She said: .....
He said: .....
She said: .....



She sits alone on the seafront, long blue woollen skirt reaching lethargically towards her ankles.


12)
They say the dead will rise again,
and here they come now.
Strange animals out of the ice age,
and they stare at you.
Dumfounded, like big mistakes,
and we say: keep cool.
Maybe if we pretend this never happened,
they'll all just go away.



Three old ladies, matching silver curls of hair, sit on a bench by the sea amid the wreckage of a picnic hamper. They sit on a makeshift mattress of discarded coats and woollen garments.


It is possible that interest may grow again as repulsion starts to fall away through being expected and predictable. I have never met anybody who has lived that long.


13)
love is like falling snow
once it comes it has to go

never say so, it's a lie
love's forever, 'tis time must fly



Come on then. Nearly there. There you go. Come on then. Nearly there. Every other step she takes she says something to encourage her equally ancient dog.


14)
Both of them deaf, and close on eighty years old;
She stone blind, and he nearly so;
Side by side crouching over the fire in a little london hovel
- six shillings a week -
Their joints knotted with rheumatism, their faces all day long mute
like statues of all passing expression (no cloud flying by, no
gleam of sunshine there) - lips closed and silent:
But for that now and then taking his pipe out of his mouth,
He puts his face close to her ear and yells just a word into it,
And she nods her blind head and gives a raucous screech in answer.



Relationships have a structure and development inevitably determined by the mechanisms that create them in the first place. They start, continue and end. Individuals do not always survive long enough to experience that. The duration is controlled by the rate of development of interest and the rate of discovery.
Personality dictates the degree of accomodation that is possible and the possibility of continuation beyond the point of peak repulsion. The degree of the relationship will inevitably have changed by that time from the intensity of love in youth to a less unpreditable practicality.



14)
Think not that that which is growing inside you as you battle with these words is for a few months or years, or that you will find its rest and satisfaction in the things for which the world is so busy striving.
Food ease lust knowledge fame - 'twill psture up as nonchalantly as a dog, and look in your face for more.
They shall not satisfy it. The list of all things that can be named shall not satisfy it.


...Here comes the dream
The broken dream
The pieces of it
Behind every door...






REFERENCES

1. Nursery rhyme.

2. Laurie Anderson. from 'Let X = X', from Big Science.

3. Laurie Anderson. from 'Sharkeys Night', from Mister Heartbreak.

4. Laurie Anderson. from 'O Superman', from Big Science.

5. Laurie Anderson. from 'It Tango', from united States Live, part 4.

6. Laurie Anderson. from 'Sweaters', from Big Science.

7. Laurie Anderson. from 'Blue Lagoon', from Mister Heartbreak.

8. R.D.Laing. No.37 from 'Do you love me ?'

9.Laurie Anderson. 'White Lily', from Home of the Brave.

10. R.D.Laing. No.57 from 'Do you love me ?'

11. Edward Carpenter. 'A song of one in old age' from Towards Democracy.

12. Laurie Anderson. from 'kokoku', from Mister Heartbreak.

13. R.D.Laing. No.60 from 'Do you love me ?'

14. Edward Carpenter. 'A scene in London' from Towards Democracy.

15. Edward Carpenter. 'Not for a few months or years' from Towards Democracy.



Material in italics collected from a bench in Penzance.